Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
