Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
