Your dad touched me again.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
