I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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