I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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