You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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