Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
