dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
