my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
