youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
