i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The best revenge is premature balding
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
we're so committed to being not committed
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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