Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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