I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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