I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
BRING THE BAGELS
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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