I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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