she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
