it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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