Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
