I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
