I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's never too late to be topless.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
did you just send me my own nude
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
