how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
