Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
