Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
