did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
