im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
