He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
