I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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