i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
