wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
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