Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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