I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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