I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
