The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
