I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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