its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
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Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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