Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
