It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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