He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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