I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
