my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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