We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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