I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
