He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
