i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
