11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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