Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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