What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
