Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
