Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
