my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
