I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
