go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
