not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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