You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
