Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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